How far I've come

 

I recall getting here, where I am now, very difficult, and almost did not make it out of my misery.

My mother arrived and was helping all of us pack and she saw what was happening. My husband backing out of this trip last minute.  I remember kicking and screaming to make sure I had my daughter's and I's passports, husband or not we are getting out of this 24-foot fifth wheel ASAP. What a mess, what agony I was in, I am so glad I fought for myself, to get out. 

And the backstory to all this: There was something so dark about the last few months since arriving in Arizona right before the new year of 2024. I had dreams that a particular person home where we've stayed before would be near fatal for me. That nightmare prompted me to tell my then husband. This was weeks before we actually traveled to that man's house and remained in his backyard for a couple weeks before getting evicted. Yeah, we had to find a warmer winter to stay that was affordable. And this was months after we had just left New York and traveled by vehicle back home to Nevada. The amount of traveling and feeling so low in my postpartum took a huge toll on me. Protecting myself and advocating for my daughter and I needs were priority. I felt so unheard, and I felt like I was speaking in another language, even to my now estranged husband and his family. And, leading up to our trip to Panama my estranged husband's behavior was not normal anymore. Things were getting too uncomfortable for me to be quiet and wait for change. My mind and body were telling me something for a while and I don't have the best connection with my gut. That's a whole story. One night I woke up, my daughter next to me and I am in the middle with my husband on the other side and I'm facing away from him. He doesn't know I am awake at this moment, and I feel his hands touching my butt crack. I am aware now that this is not something I want, this is not something that I should endured while I sleep, this is not with consent. I didn't know how to truly respond to my rage at this moment. But I would like to recall that I lashed out quietly and left the bed down to the bathroom. I do not recall anything else until it happened again right before our trip and I freaked out. I cried hysterically; I had enough. Mind you, this person knows most of my sexual trauma...I simply did not feel safe anymore with this man. Things were so very shaky between us, since he wanted to halt our trip last minute by wanting me to postpone our trip and wait a few more months so that we could get an apartment somewhere in north Arizona.... There was no way I would die on that land with that man in that small home. And that is what I truly felt. He calls it kidnapping, I call it: I rescued my damn self and my daughter. 

🌻Moving forward, I wanted space, fuck I needed space. And my mother and my family in Panama decided to prepare for us and had a 3-bedroom home for us with a backyard, and near a mall and expressway. This support was no debate for me, and we all left either way-together.

 I have been spending most of all my free time in the garden, and for me, that was all I needed and craved for my mental well-being. This opportunity would be perfect to raise a toddler, and to get back in touch with myself, to provide us stability, a more flexible lifestyle, and space to grow and be creative, and most importantly comfortable and safe. This was going to be a fresh start with family and community, in my home country. 

A whole year has gone by, and my daughter and I have grown so much. We have taken a few trips to the beaches, on boat rides to find whales and dolphins, picked fresh tropical fruit off trees, seen sloths, giant butterflies, iguanas in our backyard, so many birds, and family visits. So many beautiful moments in our survival, mainly my survival. I have fought hard and loud to experience this. Although this was not in my plans early on in motherhood, well none of my experiences were planned!  Little did I know my ancestors were calling me back, calling me back home. This trip, you need to trust this calling, trust this pilgrimage the spirits spoke. I was scared, I was concerned with leaving things behind, what if I fail there too.  Even though I was excited, I was very nervous on how this would work, what would life look like, how will I manage, will my daughter adapt well?

But I had a lot of faith in being here. So many attempts to bring me back to the states of terror, I knew I have to make it work here, this is our home now. And, you know what saved me during a very vulnerable time for me...plants. Plants, it is so simple. I've noticed how any time I was hurting immensely, the land was there to hold me. That plants would nourish me in ways humans have not. Plants used and consumed in numerous ways can benefit your physical and mental well-being. So, I continued my gardening endeavors, since last time was in the middle of Nevada in the desert. 

So, literally I have transformed our backyard to a tropical altar. I have devoted so much into the plants, and they've rooted me-deeply. I had received plants from my abuela, my aunts, I bought some, my estranged husband provided some, and I've started a lot of seeds as well. I also devoted some of my menstrual blood every month for the past year now. I take pride in my land and invite others to experience the beauty and soul of earth- our creator. It is a special place to sit, cry, rage, laugh, love, eat, sleep, it has been our home for so so long. And, before you know it that land speaks back to you. I realized her language was simply just showing up, right in front me. The trees, the plants, the seeds all that showed up would and could heal me and my family. I could share these tips, these food "secrets" of youth and cleanse. I could create communities, empower them, bring communities back to life and safety. This was a place to rest, to nourish, to thrive in both heat and the rains, to feel, to be present, and to learn about things I have yet to fully understand. What a gift. How could anyone that love me use this experience as a way to harm me, and further degrade me, dehumanize me, a mother, a woman.  

Therefore, I want to conclude that if the right people aren't showing up in your life, turn to the plants. They are your friends, they speak differently, show up on their own time, and sometimes you can eat them...haha. but really sit with your stomach on the ground, bring your womb down to mother earth, plant your bare feet onto her skin, enmesh with her soil, remember what she feels like, tastes like, how she moves, what she dances to, when she moves and shifts her temperature, remember her edges both sharp and slippery, remember how she coexist with us and she want you to listen, listen to protect her.🌹