Post Pandemic Birth With No Doctors

 

19 months ago, end of May 2022, I delivered my first-born child in a hotel bathtub with my partner. Yeah, I did that, WE did that. 33 years old, unwed, pot smoking, 1 degree, lives in a fifth wheel, Panamanian American, and small town WNY girl turned fierce phoenix Goddess rising out of the western desert, waters, and mountains. I love my birth story I don't want to forget. 

A month later, I planned our small intimate wedding, his parents and my mother present, with our baby girl.  There were no celebrations with family and friends, there was no birth support team, there was no baby shower, no rooms to decor or paint, no crib to put together or loads of stuff to organize and fill a dresser or closet, no big announcements, no doctors to follow or appointments to upkeep, this was simple and basic; caring for me was the priority. Living in a 24 foot fifth wheel made it easy to east, to feel cozy, to focus on me and growing baby girl. *When it came to expand our news, I did announce on my socials, and we asked for seeds, gift cards, and books for baby girl. Few people came through and that was so beautiful to me. Mama got want she knew she needed, at the time !

Here we choose indigenous handmade turtle pins as our ring exchange, my favorite part of us!

Happily together, family por vida.

 We had just entered the state of Washington as our new place of residence a month ago, on an intuitive nudge from me, the pregnant mama, took our 24-foot fifth wheel and parked it, awaiting my birth, our baby girl. Looking back, this pregnancy at the age of 33 years old was a seed planted in my dreams, only I saw this and watched it come alive. The dream occurred sometime in the year 2017 while I was with another guest in my life.  With whom I was planning to spend the rest of my life with, create children with, build with...that relationship thankfully ended, and since then I have focused on me and moved forward.

September 2021, my husband and I endured such a magical experience into becoming parents, we created our gift near a hot river, on the bare ground, two humans alone in the northern desert reclaiming their right as sexual beings and sovereign bodies. The sun rising to rejoice, the birds chirping and the warmth, and two lovers float in their ecstacy.

Never, in my wildest dreams did I expect this journey, this journey of parenthood, motherhood, marriage, decolonizing, surviving into the unknown, worldwide events, traveling, living in the continuum, stepping more into community.

(THC concentrate in a puffco)

Throughout pregnancy and birth there was rso consumption, due to increased discomfort and lack of sleep; smoking was getting to be too harsh towards the end. Most of my pregnancy I consumed cannabis, and still throughout breastfeeding, definitely consuming in various ways into postpartum has been life saving! My green Goddess girlfriend, flower Power. And while carrying my first child in my womb, I consumed a lot of CBD concentrate and *clean flower (no pesticides). 

I had no interventions, other than a plastic stick, aka a pregnancy test as a tool in my journey into "carryhood", that's what I concluded as the proper name of the stage. There's alot to unpack here !

(Photo is where I lived after giving birth, we left down to Truckee, California near Halloween time)

You definitely learn how to carry, the load is different for a lot of us, the journey, how we are supported with our load. I found that it expanded my capacity as a being, limited my patience like I dont have time for shit now aka dont gaslight me anymore, leading me to my purpose, and the magic of life is truly within me, us, the Goddess. I reclaimed her. 

We are still trying to find our balance as a family in this patriarchal country, society, and way of living. I want to return to my roots. I want to bring my husband and child to my family, to our Panamanian way of living amongst family. I crave this deep connection, even in my dreams, I feel it.